I think I might need to confess a problem I have..
I might be addicted. to. DOODLING.
I doodle on virtually anything when I’m bored. A lot of the time when I doodle I try to practice an element of drawing I’m not super confident in, hoping that it will improve and I’ll be a better artist for it. Now that I’m at school there is so much paper involved and teachers like it when students take notes on things they say. To me it just seems appropriate to draw on… EVERYTHING. Honestly, I haven’t really heard any complaints (not that teachers think my drawings are bad, ’cause they probably do) about it being an issue or about it affecting my learning or anyone elses and it’s not like I draw in places so it makes it hard to read my answer or the corresponding question.
The school I go to is among the top 5 in the nation so sometimes (a lot of the time) the work load can freak me out and make me nervous. Preparing for tests and quizzes can also be hard on me because I haven’t yet mastered my ability to study or figured out an efficient study habit. I used to have really bad test anxiety (not as bad as some of my friends) where I couldn’t really focus on the test or quizzes and I wouldn’t be able to give the work my full attention. Now when I’m bored or scared or nervous I draw. It helps me think and focus because drawing never really took up much of my attention.
I might not be the best artist in the world or even particularly good but it comforts me somehow when I do draw. Of course when anyone wants to learn or pick up an ability they must face the fact that they might not be the best or even good at what they do but for me sometimes its hard to think about that because of course most people want to believe they are the best or at least good at what they do. What would be the point of trying if you weren’t trying to at least get better or be the best?
I still don’t know why I draw when there are so many people I’ve met and heard from and seen draw much better than me. For what reason do I have to draw when I know for sure I’m not the best and probably don’t have the ability to improve my skills. I used to be a hard thing for me to face but I’ve become used to it. Used to the little voice in my head who told me that no matter how hard I tried to improve I would never be any good.