It’s Been Hard

I’ve been away from wordpress for some time now. 35 days, to be exact. I honestly had no idea it was that long and for my absence I offer an explanation.

My best friend who I love dearly passed away on September 28th, 2015. I can’t lie. I’ve been struggling…and hurting and crying in front of people I’d never imagine I would/could cry in front of and being a little more reckless and missing Skylar and being upset with xem and myself and talking with his sibling and talking with the people that love him, that he loves in order to breathe a little more of his beautiful life into my own.


Grief is never easy and so far, for me, I haven’t “gotten over it” and I don’t know if I ever will or what that would look like or feel like. For now, my heart hurts every time his picture or name appears anywhere and my brain panics when I remember I can’t talk with xem about everything going on with me and everyone else and I cry in the car when I hear a song that reminds me of him or see or read something that I want so desperately to show him and talk to xem about.


I’m constantly anxious that I’m grieving wrong and in a way that can be detrimental to myself while at the same time I just want to do what feels best for me because everything feels horrible.

I still remember what my mom said when I told her what happened on the day I got the phone call. “You are too young to have to handle this.” And yet this happens all the time and effects millions of people too. Suicide rates among trans youth is disproportionately higher than the rest of the population. Yes, I am too young to have to experience this but I don’t believe anyone is ever old enough or experienced enough to handle the loss of someone you love. I don’t believe that with age this pain gets easier, because it doesn’t. You might now how to handle yourself and the situation but, no, it still hurts.

I struggle to imagine what happened of Skylar, all the details, but for me the most important part now is that where ever Skylar is now he will finally be okay.


Before this happened I always associated suicide and the very action of suicide to be one of malice and resentment against the people left behind and that might be true in other cases but Skylar is not like other cases. He was in great pain and suffering and yet he loved the world more than it deserved. Xe made this decision for a lot of reasons and one, I can only guess, being that the suffering got to be too much and the pain was too much and he wanted to be okay. It hurts me and upsets me and frustrates me knowing that Skylar believed suicide was xer only option but I know him to be a very thoughtful person. This wasn’t an impulsion or a spontaneous reckless action. Skylar made a careful decision and said his goodbyes to the people xe loves and went on his way to finally being okay.

 


I’m not condoning suicide. I’m still pretty upset with Skylar about all this. If you are thinking of doing something reckless and dangerous to yourself please please call this 24/7 hotline:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255
I know right now it’s hard to understand or even imagine but there is so much beauty in this world that you have yet to experience.That’s something I would tell Skylar when he was upset and weary of xer future. Now, it’s something I always and forever regret not telling him enough. 
I want to thank all the beautiful amazing lives who have helped me/are helping me handle everything as best as I can and the ones who assured me they would never let me go of my own will.

  • Connie: for being the first number that I called after hearing the news about Skylar and the first person I’d always tell about all of this. I know I thank you all the time but really, thank you. I cherish you so much and your presence in my life and the love that you show me has made all of this at least a little easier.
  • Alan: for being the one that called me and was there for me during the following days that were monumental to how I handle the situation now. I still so much appreciate all the things you said and compassion that you’ve shown me and thank you for assuring me that Skylar wouldn’t kick my ass as a ghost.
  • My mom: for being as patient with me as we can be with each other and loving me even though I can say reckless things sometimes. I hope you know I love you, no matter what I say.
  • Mrs. Freeland: for being there to hug when I needed one most. All your compassion has really helped me so so much and even telling you everything going on helps me so much. Life is good and I’m really starting to believe that.
  • Avi: for being a beacon of support and endless rational thought that has helped me continue to process all that has happened. I know the waffles are cold now but I really believe Skylar was still there for you on your birthday if even in the experiences you two shared together.
  • Foster: for being so amazing and resilient even though you may not feel that way all the time or at all I just want you to know that that’s what I see of you. We shared our feelings and pain with each other and I really want you to know I’m here for you if you ever need me.
  • Noah: for frequently posting the National Suicide Prevention hotline among other inspirations and reminders of self-love and telling me I meant something to you. I really admire you and I’m so blessed to have you in my life.
  • Maya: for offering your support and guidance and listening to me tell Skylar’s story. I get that you’re going through your own stuff so no worries about texting me too late because anything from you at anytime is appreciated.
  • Ruhi: for all the silly jokes you let me send you when we didn’t have the words to say. Thank you so much for telling me I mean the world to you. You’re absolutely amazing and powerful and beautiful and radical and I aspire to be as strong and vocal as you and Skylar.
  • The Marquez family: for sending me their love and support and constantly reaching out to those in need. You all are so amazing and compassionate and selfless it inspires me so much.
  • To everyone who offered their support to me: for reaching out to me and offering me so much kindness and compassion and understanding. I appreciate and am so lucky to have such an amazing support network backing me up.
  • To everyone who let me share Skylar’s story with them: for letting me remember and revel in Skylar’s amazing power and beauty and radicalism and love in every story I tell. It means the world to me to be able to reach people through Skylar and show them at least a fraction of the love that he showed me.

I adore you, Skylar and I miss you terribly. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish I could say all the right things and prevent this from happening. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish for you to know what I know now about your family and the people who love you. There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish I could actually take away your sadness and pain and hurt instead of just telling you that. I wish so many things. All of them small and all of them impossible now. Even though you’re not here in physical presence I know you are here in my memories and my experiences and in the experiences of all the people in your life that was touched by your radicalism and radiance. Yes, I miss you so so so much but in the end I am so grateful to be able to part of your life and even be considered someone you love.

Thank you, Skylar, for everything. <3 <3 <3

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One thought on “It’s Been Hard

  1.  Thank you for sharing. a former teacher at WW,Bart Bratcher512-922-5256

    From: JubNuggets To: bart_bratcher@sbcglobal.net Sent: Sunday, October 25, 2015 1:16 PM Subject: [New post] It’s Been Hard #yiv9298475233 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv9298475233 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv9298475233 a.yiv9298475233primaryactionlink:link, #yiv9298475233 a.yiv9298475233primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv9298475233 a.yiv9298475233primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv9298475233 a.yiv9298475233primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv9298475233 WordPress.com | jubnuggets posted: “I’ve been away from wordpress for some time now. 35 days, to be exact. I honestly had no idea it was that long and for my absence I offer an explanation.My best friend who I love dearly passed away on September 28th, 2015. I can’t lie. I’ve been strug” | |

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