In Fear of Dreams

 

Every night I go to bed and every night my brain comes up with these weird, surreal imaginings. Sometimes they’re not too out of the ordinary like the time I had to lead a class of mine through patches of grass infested with swarms of grasshoppers. Sometimes they’re nightmares that seem to be fueled by horror movies if I’d even watched them. Other times my dreams are just innocuous daily livings and me accomplishing daily tasks that I intend on getting done like having a dream about buying eggs or talking with my mom about something and waking up and having done none of these things.

There’s something scary to me, a person that seeks control and finds comfort in control. Surprisingly, being subjected to an amalgamation of my brain’s worst fears and anxieties is never a good time for me.

Now I guess right about now you’re probably wondering: yeah okay that sounds awful but what was your brain dreaming about before all these horrible nightmares? Welp, to tell you the truth: nothing. My brain was filled with nothing and I’d wake up as if I’d just shutdown my brain for a bit and everything started back up as soon as my eyes opened, fully operational. No weird dreams, no waking nightmares, none of it. I slept for nine hours average every night and stayed asleep until my alarm or the lovely morning sun gently woke me up. You might think that I am being hyperbolic when I say all this but, I don’t think I am. I really miss the days when I could sleep and stay asleep without my anxieties chasing me in my dream world as well.

Maybe the worst part about dreams is the ripping from a separate reality. It’s a sort of jarring feeling, a space in between between our world and the one in my head that gets me so out of wack. My dream world and my real world (or my perception of my real world depending on which philosophical theory of perception you subscribe to) play by different rules and the switching of consciousness between the two is unsettling especially in dreams when I’ve created a whole alternate life for myself only to lose it all to my awakening to reality. Honestly, why do people idealize dreaming so much? Dreaming in pop culture is always the cheap and easy ending that no one likes and fundamentally dreaming is the process of your brain going through all the information it has collected throughout the full day and essentially taking inventory on what you got going on in your ol’ melon. A process that sounds like a glorified reliving of past experiences some of them traumatic and some of them rather embarrassing… why…would I want to do that…

As someone who definitely isn’t a professional in sleep science and have done little to no research on the matter I say, I just want to sleep the whole night without a terrifying dream to get me out of bed.

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