It’s only Wednesday (well really Thursday at 5am if we’re being honest with ourselves) and it’s been a classic Rough Week. It’s the kind of week that you’re glad to see walk off into the sunset or burning in flames (whatever your prerogative.) Whatever your intent it’s the kind of week that you step out of saying, “wow i cant believe I got through that in one piece” while dusting off your clothes and walking away.
Point is, it’s been rough and I almost had to document all of it when it came to a head on Wednesday because guess what? OF COURSE it was hourly comics day. Now, obviously I didn’t actually document Wednesday’s happenings at least not all of it because 1. I don’t trust the internet like that 2. no one needs to know my dirty laundry 3. Regurgitated sad bad vibes do not good comics make (sometimes.)
Now I’ve noticed that I have this habit of compartmentalizing my emotions and trauma. It’s part of the way I cope as someone that needs to move forward and not remain in one place for fear of never moving again. The way this compartmentalizing happens is best described in this art piece I made last semester.
My emotions in my brain are organized in these jar type things which would be fine (probably) if there were only a few but these jars are all over my brain. They cover every surface. All individually filled with something tragic, horrible or amazing or something in between. There’s so many little and big jars so close to each other in proximity that they’re bound to clatter against each other. This constant jar knocking against jar situation naturally leads to…damages.
Jar filled with pressurized emotion knocking against other jars of pressurized emotion..it’s all so obvious what happens next. This destruction embodies moments in my life that I’ve just burst at the seams with emotion. Some grievances years old and some as recent as a couple days. The point is I have some days when I feel all the different emotions coming out at once filling my mind and corroding me until I feel like I need to scream or cry or both. Wednesday was one of those days.
I’m feeling a lot better now though after speaking with my two best friends and being comforted by their support along with the support system I have with my two roommates. Moving forward though, I’ve gotta do something about all these jars. I think opening up all at once would actually probably kill me (or hurt me in a pretty irreparable way.) So..I guess I don’t know what to do about the jars already there (opening them feels like..a really bad idea) but I know I need stop creating more jars and try to limit the emotional pressure by not suppressing it in the first place. I think overall I need to treat myself better, emotionally. Which won’t be easy since I’ve lived so much of my life putting the people I care about first but it’s so necessary. I need to put myself first because it simply is not sustainable for me to exist as a functioning human being with all these fragile glass jars rattling around in my head in attempt to protect myself from pain.
Here’s to making tomorrow better!